Humor Selections for August 13th, 2008

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One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart...

... they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart/ Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, 'Great! I love spaghetti!'

Billy Bob asked Bubba, 'How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?'

'Not so good,' replied Bubba, 'I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Some Signs that your neighbor is over patriotic.
  • Fido is dressed in an Uncle Sam costume.
  • He is outside waving the flag even when a short "parade" of garbage trucks pass by.
  • His wife's maiden name was Betsy Ross.
  • He pays his taxes, and even advances the government a little for the next year.
  • He constantly calls his Congressman and offers him advice--sometimes twice a day.
  • He eats the Senate Bean Soup every day at lunch.
  • He publishes a newsletter and puts one next to your mailbox every day.
  • His stereo blares several renditions of "God Bless America" and "The Star Spangled Banner" out the window on the hour from 6 am to 12 am daily.
  • He stands before a holiday crowd and recites old Millard Fillmore speeches over a loudspeaker.
  • He eats only American cheese, Yankee Pot Roast, K-Rations, and of course, the supreme American canned meat--Spam.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day.

 I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md

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Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - 8/12/2008

"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently Clinton likes to start every speech with a joke, sort of loosen things up a little bit, get people happy, relaxed." --Conan O'Brien

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno

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Contenders for the 2008 Darwin Awards!  Download Video 1, Video 2, Video 3

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia


Also submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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August 11th Humor Page