Humor Selections for April 9th, 2008

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Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural south Mississippi...

...on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course, by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I have ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such respect toward someone's dearly departed. You are a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were married for 42 years."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 65

"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Show this picture [on screen: picture of McCain and Romney]. Doesn't it look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the newest resident? 'Plus, we have Meals on Wheels.'" -- Jay Leno

"I don't know that Clinton and Obama will ever be friendly enough now to be running mates, but John McCain is rumored to be close to asking his former rival, Mitt Romney, to be his running mate. You might remember that when they were running against each other, McCain accused Romney of having two positions on every issue. I guess now he figures there will at least be one position he likes, so what the (heck). John McCain and Mitt Romney, to me, look like two guys who model overcoats in 'Sears' catalogues" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you've heard this, but in Iraq, the Shiite has hit the fan. ... This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good time." --Bill Maher

"Barack Obama was on 'The View' this morning. I guess they are still trying to find somebody to fill the Rosie spot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

"Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?" -- Jay Leno

"Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in Indiana trying to get more people there to like her. She claims to have taken some incoming sniper fire at the Indianapolis airport baggage carousel, but other than that, they say the trip went very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It looks like there's a little more fudging of Hillary's records. Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace Process? Turns out, she just saw 'Lord of the Dance.'" -- Jay Leno

"Why did she lie about this? She needs the street cred for being shot at? What is she, 50 Cent? Hillary: Get Elected, Or Lie Trying... Sinbad was the one who busted her on this. He contradicted her whole story. Boy, what a pair they make, huh? A once popular celebrity from the '90s whose star is fading fast and Sinbad." --Bill Maher

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A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Farm Humor
  • Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
  • What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted.
  • When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow to pasture.
  • Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"? Because it was always running out of the pen.
  • What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
  • Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He has got no beef.

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Military Aviator Heaven
  • Everybody's a lieutenant , except God. He's a General or Admiral (as the mood strikes him!)
  • You only come to work when you're going to fly.
  • You fly three times a day, if you wish, except on Friday.
  • You never run out of fuel.
  • You never run out of ammo.
  • Your missions are one hour long (or longer if you desire) and no briefings are ever required.
  • Sorties are air-to-air or air-to-ground, your choice.
  • You shoot the gun on every mission.
  • There are no check rides.
  • It is always VFR, and there are never any ATC delays.
  • You can fly out of the MOA and down to 10 feet AGL, if you want.
  • There are no "over G's."
  • The airplanes never break.
  • Never any Fatals.... I mean..... you're already there!
  • There are never any duty officer assignments.
  • You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20 feet, then break left.
  • You can go cross-country anytime you desire... the further the better.
  • There are no ORI /UEIs.
  • There are no flight surgeons.
  • There are no Staff Jobs.
  • There are no additional duties.
  • Friday Happy Hour is mandatory.
  • "Happy Hour" begins at 1400 hours and lasts until 0200+ hours.
  • The bartenders are all big bosomed friendly blondes.
  • Beer is free, but whiskey costs a nickel.
  • The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels and Beefeaters... plus 500 kinds of beer.
  • The Girls are all friendly and each Aviator is allowed three.
  • Country and Western music is free on the jukebox.
  • You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded.
  • The sun always shines, and you can put your hat in your pants pocket.
  • Flight Suits are allowed in the O Club at all times.
  • The BX always has every item you ask for, most being free.
  • There are never any crosswind landings, and the runways are always dry.
  • Control tower flybys for wheels-up checks can be made at 600 kts.
  • There are never any noise complaints.
  • Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
  • Fitness reports always contain the statement, "Outstanding Officer."
  • Functions requiring mess dress never occur.
  • All air traffic controllers are friendly and always provide priority handling.
  • "ACE" status is conferred upon all Aviators entering Heaven.


  • You Never Have To Grow Up!
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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April 7th Humor Page