Humor Selections for April 30th, 2008

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The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

  • Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
  • The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.
  • The smallest is the male sperm.
  • You use 200 muscles to take one step.
  • The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
  • Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
  • A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
  • A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
  • The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
  • The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
  • It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
  • 1The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
  • 1Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
  • At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
  • There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
  • Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
  • The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
  • Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.
  • When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
  • Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
  • Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- March 29, 2008

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 7 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Ms Rice was present to explain the email to him.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of April 1, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President of something."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush has never had a clue either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

WalMart has expressed interest in him as a greeter position. This position was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his vacant smile.

P.S. Vice President Dick Cheney will be taken on a quail hunting trip by a group of homeless people for his last day on the job.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 68

"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

"A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their religion." --Jay Leno

"How about the presidential race? It's really interesting, isn't it? I mean usually, it's sort of interesting, and then toward the end it just gets plain dull. But so far, it's pretty interesting. And the election is just three years away." --David Letterman

"Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be a Redneck' Clinton, you know, she's backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She's backed off that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it's true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman

"And you know, the pope is in town. That's kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, 'What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.'" --Jay Leno

"But I didn't realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman

"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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An 17-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she was pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A tourist from the Arkansas area was hiking through the Ozark mountains

When he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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The best advertisement war in recent memory - would even put Coke and Pepsi to shame...

Some information that you need to know before you see the ads:

  1. BMW started this.

  2. Audi answered,

  3. Subaru needed to say something ...
    Follow the sequence......


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April 28th Humor Page