Humor Selections for September 21st, 2007


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Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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Many years ago in a small Russian village, a farmer had the misfortune...

... of owing a large sum of money to the village money lender. The money lender, who was old and horrible, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter.

Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they decide the matter this way: He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.

  1. If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
  2. If she picked the white pebble, she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

Standing on a pebble-strewn path in the farmer's field, the money lender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles putting them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag. Now, imagine that you were standing in the field that day. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

  1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
  2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money lender as a cheat. But he will not forgive the loan.
  3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder; over this story. Experts use it to make people appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chose any of the logical choices. What would you recommend the girl do?

Do not look at the answer yet, give your advice after a few minute of your own lateral thinking....

Well, here is what she did. She put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles "Oh how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble was black, they had to assume that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg mayor Ed
 

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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There is a six year old boy, who lives in a house with his dad and his name is Johnny.

Now Johnny loved tractors, but right from this very early age he had his eye on a certain tractor, not just any tractor, but a Porsche, 911, limited edition, super red, convertible.

Now it is nearly Johnny's seventh birthday and his dad comes to him and says "Little Johnny, what do you want for your birthday this year?" and Johnny replies "Well daddy, I wants a twactor, not just any twactor, but' a Porsche 911 limited edition supa wed convertible!!!" And Johnny's dad says "Well, I'll see what I can get you."

A week later its Johnnyís birthday and he is all exited, he gets up and runs downstairs into the sitting room and he sees a huge package, almost as tall as him. So his dad comes in and helps him open it. He finally opens it and there is a huge box of mega blocks. Now Johnny is a little disappointed that he did not get a tractor, but he still loved his present and had a great time playing with it and building high towers, but after a while he got really tired and went to bed.

Almost a year later it is nearly Johnny's eighth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks him what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny says "Well daddy, I wants a tractors for my birthday" and so his dad says "well Johnny, I'll see what I can get you." A week later it is Johnny's birthday and he rushes downstairs to see what he got for his birthday. He goes into the kitchen and finds a package on the table and so he opens it. And inside there is a toy tractor and a little man. Johnny really likes this present so he goes and plays with this in the sitting room with his dad, but then the head comes off the little man and the tractor looses a wheel, so he is a bit sad and he goes to bed.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's ninth birthday and his dad asks him what he wants for his birthday and Johnny says "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible!" And his dad says "Well little Johnny, I'll see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's ninth birthday and Johnny runs down to see what he got. So he goes down to the kitchen and there is a medium sized package lying on the floor and so he goes over and tears it open. Inside was a box with a set of model racing cars and he is a bit disappointed that he did not get his tractor, but still he liked it. So he invited a friend over to play with him, but the little metal bit on the bottom of one of the cars snapped and his friend had to go home. So Johnny just played with one car going round and round the track but he got really bored and went to bed.

Almost a year later it is nearly Johnny's tenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday and little Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny Iíll see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's tenth birthday and he hurries downstairs to see what he has got. He goes into the sitting room and finds an absolutely humongous package and he gets really exited. He gets his dad to help him open it and finds a full size football goal and ball. He was disappointed that he did not get the tractor but he loved it nonetheless. So he invited round some of his friends and they played football games all day until someone kicked the ball to hard and it went over the fence to the mean old man who lived next door and did not give it back. So his friends went home and he went in and watched some television.

Nearly a year later and it is almost Johnnyís eleventh birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny Iíll see what I can do." A week later it is his eleventh birthday and Johnny jumps down the stairs and finds in the kitchen a small box on the table. He opens it and finds a play station and some games. He is a bit disappointed that he did not get a tractor but he invited some friends round and they all take it in turns to play and they are having great fun, until someone pulls a controller to hard and the play station falls off the table and breaks. Everyone goes home and Johnny is really disappointed.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's twelfth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny Iíll see what I can do." A week later it is his twelfth birthday and he goes down the stairs to see what presents he got and he finds in the sitting room a package containing a miniature air hockey table. Now Johnny was a little disappointed that he did not get a tractor but still, he played with his dad until someone sat on it and broke it. So Johnny was a bit sad that his present was broken.

Nearly a year later it was almost Johnny's thirteenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny Iíll see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's thirteenth birthday. Johnny walks down stairs and finds a tall thin package in the sitting room. So he opens it with his dad and he finds a basketball hoop and a basketball. He is a little disappointed that he did not get a tractor but still he invites some friends round and they play for a while. But it lands on an old nail and pops. So everyone goes home and Johnny is left feeling quite depressed.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's fourteenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny Iíll see what I can do." A week later it is Johnny's fourteenth birthday and he gets up and flops down the stairs and finds a really small rectangular box, so he trundles over and opens it and finds a new mobile phone, and even though it was not at all what he wanted he thought it was really cool. And so, when he went to school he flashed it round and played ring tones on it to his mates. But in class he got it confiscated for playing with it.

Nearly a year later it is almost Johnny's fifteenth birthday and his dad comes to him and asks what he wants for his birthday, and Johnny said "Well dad, I want a tractor, not just any tractor but a Porsche 911 limited edition super red convertible." and his dad says "Well Johnny Iíll see what I can do." A week later it is his fifteenth birthday and he slumps downstairs and sees a really small box on the kitchen table and he thinks that these could be the keys to a tractor. So he opens the box and finds a golden signet ring and was really quite disappointed but he took this to school with him and shows it to all his mates and comes home feeling really happy.

The next year before his sixteenth birthday his dad does not ask him what he wants for his birthday. So it is his sixteenth birthday and he drags himself downstairs and finds a really small box, hoping again that it is some keys, but it is another signet ring and Johnny is really really disappointed because he got one last year and now he thought his dad had forgotten about this and Johnny was really sad.

The next year it is Johnny's seventeenth birthday and around now he is allowed to drive. But again his dad doesn't ask him what he wants. So his birthday comes round and Johnny goes downstairs and doesn't find anything in the kitchen or the sitting room or even the garage. So he looks out the window and sees his dad leaning against the most humongous package in the drive way and Johnny rushes out and tears off all the wrapping paper, and guess what he finds...

...a tractor. Not just any tractor but a Porsche, 911 limited edition, super red, convertible. And Johnny looks at it in a disappointed way and his father sees and asks "Whatís wrong Johnny?" and he says "Well dad I don't want a tractor anymore, I wanted one of those new minis, like that one across the road." And Johnny's father looked really disappointed and said "Oh. Well here is a ten dollars, go down to the shop and get yourself something." So Johnny goes down and buys a beer and a news paper and starts walking back. Now on the way back he sees a burning building. So he drops the beer and runs up to the house with the newspaper rolled up in his hand. And just as the fire engines arrive he sticks the newspaper through the letter box and breaths in. Suddenly all the smoke and fire is gone, and the chief fire fighter comes up to him and says "Wow that is amazing, how did you do that?!?" and Johnny goes "Well you see Iím an EX-TRACTOR FAN"

See told you it was long!!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Camping Tips
  • Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
  • A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
  • The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
  • When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
  • Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
  • A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
  • A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
  • In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

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To all who are engineers or have had the "pleasure" of working with engineers - Download Video

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
 

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The first woman on the moon ...

You have to be old enough to appreciate this. If you don't understand this, you are too young.

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Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

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Sept 17th Humor Page