Humor Selections for Oct 5th, 2007

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How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

  1. Make sure the man is conscious.
  2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
  3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
  4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
  5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
  6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals...

... kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home... And left it there all night.

You Gotta love George.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Two elderly ladies met at the laundry after not seeing one another for a long time...
After inquiring about each other's health, one of the ladies asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"I opened a can of peas instead!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
  • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
  • You sleep with your eyes open
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward
  • You lick your coffee pot clean
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
  • You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
  • You can jump-start your car without cables
  • Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
  • You don't sweat, you percolate

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A professor at Texas University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy Bob raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Bob, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy Bob replied, "Sheeiiiit! From way back there I thought you said Goats."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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And you thought your printer had problems - Download Video

Submitted by Kate, San Diego, Calif.

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Now this is what I call a sneaky duck!

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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Oct 3rd Humor Page