Humor Selections for Oct 22nd 2007

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Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise
  • You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
  • The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
  • Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
  • You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
  • You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
  • All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
  • You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
  • You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests.
  • You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
  • You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Halloween one liners ..
  • What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets!
  • How do you know if a ghost is lying? You can see right through him!
  • Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break!
  • How can you tell when windows are scared? They get shudders!
  • How do you picture yourself flying on a broom? By witchful thinking!
  • What is a mummy's favorite music? WRAP!
  • Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up!
  • Who does a goblin go out with on Halloween? His ghoul friend!
  • How do you mend a broken Jack-o'lantern? With a pumpkin patch!
  • What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o'lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!
  • What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? He was repossessed!
  • Why did the vampire need mouthwash? He had bat breath!
  • Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin!
  • What haunts your house and clucks? A poultry-gheist!
  • Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts!
  • How do ghosts begin letters? "Tomb it may concern..."
  • Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to "The Other Side"!
  • What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling!

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There was a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this ." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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A banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Halloween Pumpkins - Take 1

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Oct 19th Humor Page