Humor Selections for Nov 19th, 2007

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In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report...

... from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking buddy...

... Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The bottle of "Jameson" in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt. Bridget sat staring at him from a cross the room. She said, "Paddy McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?"

Paddy said, "Why are ye accusin' me of such a thing?"

"Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror."

Submited by Ray, King Of Prussia, Pa.

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Bumper Stickers for Women
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy!
  • Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen!
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!
  • Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off!
  • Out of estrogen, and I have a gun!
  • Guys have feelings too but... who cares?
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
  • Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!
  • Do not start with me. You will not win.
  • You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up.
  • All stressed out, and no one to choke!

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An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked the old man, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes,"? said the old man.  "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks the old man: "this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

?"Yes,"? said the old ma.  "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

The old man thinks for a few moments then says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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How to speak about women and be politically correct:
  • she is not a "babe" or a "chick" - she is a "breasted American."
  • She is not "easy" - she is "horizontally accessible."
  • She is not a "dumb blonde" - she is a "light-haired detour off the information superhighway."
  • She has not "been around" - she is a "previously-enjoyed companion."
  • She does not "nag" you - she becomes "verbally repetitive."
  • She is not a "two-bit hooker" - she is a "low cost provider."

How to speak about men and be politically correct:

  • He does not have a "beer gut" - he has developed a "liquid grain storage facility."
  • He is not a "bad dancer" - he is "overly Caucasian."
  • He does not "get lost all the time" - he "investigates alternative destinations"
  • He is not "balding" - he is in "follicle regression."
  • He does not act like a "total ass" - he develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion."
  • It's not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants - it's "rear cleavage."

Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Hampshire (England) police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus.

Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe.

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Nov 16th Humor Page