Humor Selections for Nov 14th, 2007

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Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified
  • Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
  • Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
  • His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".
  • Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
  • Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
  • Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
  • At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
  • Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
  • Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
  • On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars.

The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 59

"The writers are going on strike on Monday. ... They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating." --Jay Leno

"Did you see this Democratic debate this week? Wow! The six men all piled onto Hillary Clinton. It was like a porn movie. They were claiming she's not a real Democrat because she might actually win something." --Bill Maher

"Here's the kind of thing that makes this country great. A guy in Tennessee was in a food eating competition. ... He wins the competition. He ate 103 hamburgers in eight minutes. ... But you think about it, this has been a hell of a year for Al Gore. One thing after another." --David Letterman

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can't get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? There was a guy arrested in a hotel. ... He's in a hotel and he's trying to have sex with a ... bicycle. Please get some help, Senator Craig. I am begging you!" --David Letterman

"Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, 'What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?'" --Amy Poehler

"Hillary Clinton on Thursday visited Wellesley College and told students, 'This all-women's college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.' Although she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-Bush." --Seth Meyers

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue...

... that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals...

... throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Try Saying...

  •  I think you might benefit with more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
  • She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
  • Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
  • I'm fairly certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f____kin way.
  • Really? You don't Say! INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
  • Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
  • I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___kin problem.
  • 9 I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
  • I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?
  • He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
  • Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
  • So, I take it that you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
  • I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
  • I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
  •  I so love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
  • You saying you wish me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
  • At times, he's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's always been a pr_ck.

Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Where's your camera when you need it? Take 2

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Nov 12th Humor Page