Humor Selections for May 18th, 2007

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You might be a Redneck if ...

  • Anyone in your family ever die right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
  • The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  • Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  • Your wife's hairdo was once mined by a ceiling fan.
  • You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
  • You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
  • You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  • You take a six-pack cooler to church.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
  • The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
  • One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  • Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
  • You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
  • You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
  • If you can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's forehead, and it works.
  • If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
  • If you have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
  • If you go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect your sister.
  • If you carry a shotgun in the back seat of your truck!
  • How do you know when your staying in a Redneck hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
  • How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
  • What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
  • What do rednecks call "Hee Haw"? A documentary.

Submitted by Dan, Bugtussle Hallow, Tenn.

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Kids still say they dearest things!

Last my daughter, her husband, my 5 year old granddaughter and 3 year old grandson were all getting ready to eat supper. 

My daughter tells my grandson to not start eating until they say the grace. 

My grandson replied: "I'm not eating. This stuff is sticking to my spoon and I am cleaning it off!"

Submitted by Diane, Valdosta, GA

As my 3 year old daughter Hannah and I were walking out of our front door for school, Hannah looked at our Bradford pear tree in full bloom and exclaimed "look Mommy, Daddy put those pretty flowers in the tree just for me."

I chuckled and told her "honey, I think Jesus put those flowers in the tree" and my daughter looked at me and told me very matter of fact "

Mommy, I think Jesus helped Daddy put the flowers in that tree."

Never underestimate the little girl's love for her Daddy!

Submitted by Jo Marie, Lexington, South Carolina

My 4 year old son Tommy was talking about snow one day and then asked me, “Mommy, do you know what snow is?”

Without waiting for me to answer he said. “Snow is when the clouds shiver.”

Submitted by Becky, Bay City, Tx

My 5-year old recently heard George Washington mentioned on the television. He said, "George Washington! I know who he is. He's one of the heads!" Heads meaning Mt. Rushmore.

Submitted by Kristi, Hampstead, MD

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Things people have actually said
  • "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
  • "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
  • "The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
  • "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
  • "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
  • "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
  • "It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra
  • "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
  • "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas
  • "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -- Richard M. Nixon
  • "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
  • "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
  • "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn
  • "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
  • "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
  • "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
  • "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland
  • "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

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There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "Why did you bring paving stones?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Causal day at work ...

Week 1 - Memo No. 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3 : Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7: Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8: Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Ma & Pa Kettle Math - Download, Video

I know some of you aren't old enough to remember the "Ma & Pa Kettle " movies. However, this old timer really liked them!

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Computer Cartoons, take 1

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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May 16th Humor Page