Humor Selections for May 16th, 2007

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Drugs for Women:
  • DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
  • EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
  • ST. MOMMA'S WORT:  Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
  • PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
  • DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
  • FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
  • MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
  • BUYAGRA: Injectible stimulant taken! prior t o shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
  • JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
  • ANTI-TALKSIDENTA: Spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
  • NAGAMEMT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog's parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
  7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
  14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

  15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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Good thoughts to start your day

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious.

  • Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
  • Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
  • Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
  • When you say, "I love you," mean it.
  • When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
  • Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
  • Believe in love at first sight.
  • Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
  • Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
  • In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
  • Don't judge people by their relatives.
  • Talk slowly but think quickly.
  • When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "why do you want to know?"
  • Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk..
  • Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
  • When you lose, don't lose the lesson
  • Remember the three R's: respect for self; respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
  • Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  • When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  • Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
  • Spend some time alone.

Submitted by my wife, Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 43

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. " --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the big Republican debate. Ten white guys. ... It looked like a meeting of the Hair Club for Men. GOP stands for Gray, Old and Pale." --Jay Leno

"There's a brand new book out. In it Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush. Well, sure. Who doesn't?" --David Letterman

"It looks like a lot of politicians' careers will be ruined when this Washington madam releases the names on her client list. President Bush's Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias has already resigned because he was a customer. He claims he just got a massage, but no sex. I think that was called 'The Married Guy Special.'" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats' problem isn't that they're calling for timetables. It's that they're calling them timetables. You're up against Bush and the Republicans, you got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables. Call them ... patriot dates ... freedom deadlines ... glory goals. What decent, patriotic American wouldn't stand behind a glory goal?" --Jon Stewart

"Anybody planning on seeing ... 'Spiderman 3'? This one is crazy because during the day he's Spiderman, but at night he turns into his alter ego. He goes out wearing black tights and does things that he's ashamed about the next day. Wait a minute ... that's Jim McGreevey." --David Letterman

"According to Men's Health Magazine, one out of five grown adult men still watch Saturday morning cartoons every week. To which President Bush went, 'See'" --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Tick warning ...

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's very important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather... and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do NOT do this! They only want to see you naked.

(I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.)

Also submitted by my wife, Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md. ... and she refuses to tell me who she striped for!

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 Bud Monkey - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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Nappy Headed Hoe ... this is what Imus was really referring to...

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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May 14th Humor Page