Humor Selections for May 11th, 2007

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges.

On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. 
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Counseling Southern Style

Earl and Bubba two guys are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A young woman was in hospital, recovering from major surgery.

She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her.

Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice).

She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it.

When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. "Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."

Submitted by Al. Seattle, Wa.

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Actual Newspaper Headlines
  • Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
  • Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
  • Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  • British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
  • Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf
  • Teachers Strike Idle Kids
  • Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
  • Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • Miners Refuse To Work After Death
  • Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
  • Stolen Painting Found By Tree
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
  • Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
  • War Dims Hope For Peace
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
  • Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
  • Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
  • Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
  • Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  • Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends...

...when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........

"Clean my house."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Amazing Display of French Military Might  - Download Video

Submitted by Both Jay, Long Island, NY and Dewey in Pensacola, FL

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Cleaver Ads Take 4

Also submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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May 9th Humor Page