Humor Selections for June 8th, 2007

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Life Lesson Laws for Engineers

  • In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
  • Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
  • In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
  • The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
  • The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
  • If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
  • If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
  • All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
  • Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
  • Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
  • Interchangeable parts won't.
  • Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
  • Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
  • Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
  • Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.
  • Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
  • If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
  • Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
  • If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
  • Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
  • The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."

Submitted by Engineer Dave, Bolder Co.

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A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like a scoop of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"

The man spells, "V A N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screamed.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane ...

... with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Last will & testament of a farmer

I Leave:

  • To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
  • To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
  • To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
  • To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
  • To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
  • To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
  • To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
  • To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
  • To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.

And lastly

  • To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Eight candidates for idiot of the year award - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida

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Have you ever seen a WATER bridge over a river?


Even after you see it, it is still hard to believe ! Water Bridge in Germany . What a feat! Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long........ now this is engineering! This is a channel-bridge over the River Elbe and joins the former East and West Germany , as part of the unification project. It is located in the city of Magdeburg , near Berlin The photo was taken on the day of inauguration. To those who appreciate engineering projects, here's a puzzle for you armchair engineers and physicists. Did that bridge have to be designed to withstand the additional weight of ship and barge traffic, or just the weight of the water?

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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