Humor Selections for June 29th, 2007

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Two redneck college football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The manager of a Liverpool football club flew out to Iraq to watch a young local star play.

He was very impressed, and soon arranged for him to join the club. Two weeks later Liverpool was playing Manchester, but with only 20 minutes to go they were down four nil. The manager gave his new Iraqi striker the nod, so on he went, scored five goals in the 20 minutes, and won the game.

The coach, manager and fans were delighted, while the media loved the new star. When they come off the field at last the new boy couldn't wait to call his mum and tell her about his first day of English football. "Hello? Guess what, mum? I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4 goals down, but I scored five before the siren, and WE WON!!! Everybody loves me! The fans, the media, the coach. Oh, It's so great, mum."

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about MY day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all this while you, young man, were having such a very great time."

"Oh, mum, I'm so sorry," the young man sobbed. "That's terrible."

"Sorry? Sorry?" Screamed his mum down the phone. "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Definition of a kiss
  • Prof. of Economics - Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.
  • Prof. of Accountancy - Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
  • Prof. of Algebra - Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
  • Prof. of Geometry - Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
  • Prof. of Physics - Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
  • Prof. of Chemistry - Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
  • Prof. of Physiology - Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
  • Prof. of Dentistry - Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
  • Prof. of Philosophy - Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
  • Prof. of Comp. Science  - What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable!
  • Prof. of English - Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
  • Prof. of Architecture - Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 46

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno

"This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien

"All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman

"The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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I think just about every guy has tried this one - Download Video

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Here is a soldier stationed in Iraq...

... stationed in a big sand box. He asked his wife to send him dirt (U.S. soil), fertilizer, and some grass seed so that he can have the sweet aroma, and feel the grass grow beneath his feet. When the men of the squadron have a mission that they are going on, they take turns walking through the grass and the American soil -- to bring them good luck.

If you notice, he is even cutting the grass with a pair of a scissors. Sometimes we are in such a hurry that we don't stop and think about the little things that we take for granted.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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June 27th Humor Page