Humor Selections for Jan 8th, 2007

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Letter from Australia No. 1

You probably didn't know that Australia is the driest inhabited continent on earth. Antarctica is drier, but no one lives there yet. The way the ice is melting, however, it won't be long.

We're so dry here that it's only our native cunning and ingenuity that have kept us from joining the great central desert as some of the sand. We all have rainwater tanks, and until recently we collected enough for a glass a day, but now we have to distil the beer if we want real water, not bad with a yeasty taste.

The government has tried several things to make life easier for us, like reducing the tariff on the imported stuff, and they're trying de-salination, but that's been promised industry so we can keep employment up. This gives some of us enough to buy water bottled overseas, while seeing most of us live near the sea we've taken to drinking ordinary seawater, which is OK once your kidneys are used to it; these are now the biggest of any race, and growing.

The cats have grown armour, like lizards, and can go without for about a week. The dogs have tunnelled underground into some springs, and seem intent on guarding their finds, while freshwater fish are simply called 'dusties'. Salt tolerant crops are a breakthrough that keeps us in fodder, while enormous solar-powered stills in the sun-drenched outback provide enough water for the recalcitrant sheep and cattle, which refuse to drink the salty stuff.

Cries of global warming bounce off the well-watered politicians who have already got their second homes in rain drenched parts of the earth. They don't know what it is to be thirsty, that's for sure.

Still it's not all bad. We're trading uranium, gas and coal for tankers of water from China, soft drinks from America, and alcohol from everywhere. We'll get by, but it would help that when you come to see for yourselves how dry is dry you bring your own and a couple of gallons for me. Oh, by the way - don't expect to wash.

Sorry for the pause. I had to find some spit so I could swallow.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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A young man was having some money problems...

... and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."

The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.

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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I relaxed and enjoyed the ecstasy of the friendship.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by Cliff Ardmore, Pa.

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A group of alumni, highly established in their careers...

... got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

After all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress." "Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it's just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups & and then began eyeing each other's cups."

"Now consider this: Life is the coffee. The jobs, houses, cars, things, money and position in society are the cups. They are just used to hold and contain life. The type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us." God brews the coffee, not the cups . . . enjoy your coffee. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. Live in peace and peace will live in you.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 30

"Momentum continues for Barack Obama's campaign. Actually, do you know what Barack Obama's middle name is? Hussein. Could've been worse. Could've been Kerry." --Jay Leno

"Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said it's the least we can do after stealing your land." --Conan O'Brien

"There might be a few similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. For one thing, both wars prove that John Kerry is a coward. But there is a difference. ... Vietnam's anti-war movement was so unbearably strident that many Americans hated hippies even more than they hated the war. The result? They became Republicans." --Stephen Colbert

"This California company that was charged to build this stupid fence along the border of Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. ... Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they have ever seen." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, 'I'm not going to believe this president again.' Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, I stopped believing presidents ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience." --Conan O'Brien

"On Monday, President Bush sought advice on Iraq from senior state department officials, historians and former generals. When the President asked why everyone was so quiet, an aide informed him that he was standing next to the White House nativity scene." --Amy Poehler

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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