Humor Selections for Jan 24th, 2007

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Even More Signs Technology Took Over Your Life
  • The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
  • You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
  • You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
  • You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  • You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
  • You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
  • Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
  • You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
  • While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 31

"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

"People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books." --David Letterman

"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"In a prime time speech last night, President Bush said that he was sending in 20,000 more troops to end the war. He wasn't talking about Iraq. He was talking about the war between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is now calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think 21,000 people in the country think it's a good idea." --Jay Leno

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You know you're from Pittsburgh if you understand these phrases ... Take 2
  • Cupple Tree Two or three. So, yinz'll be dahn in Florida for a cupple tree days? (Submitted by John Palma, Coral Springs, FL)
  • Da-Boat-a-ya The both of you. Dis gift is for Da-Boat-a-ya. Or"Da-Boat-a-ya are nuts, for buyen dat 'Tickle Me Elm doll' for $500 bucks." (Submitted by Micki, New Castle)
  • Dabby That would be. Dabby cool if you'd pick me up a pahnda grahd rahnd at the Jineegle. (Submitted by Fred Marco, New York City)
  • Dahn nair Down there. R-r-r yinz gowin' dahn nair? (Submitted by Nancy Hunter, San Antonio, TX)
  • Dahnahahs Down to the house. I'm gowin' dahnahahs. (Submitted by David J. Randolph, Duke University, Durham, NC)
  • Daht'et Doubt it. Yinz go dahn to da souside? Daht'et. (Submitted by Brian Daugherty, Oakmont, PA)
  • Dekkacards Deck of cards. Why don't yinz guyz get aht the dekkacards so we can play a han 'er two. (Submitted by Kris Broman, Monaca, PA)
  • Didya Did you. Did see at? (Submitted by Linda Marple, Moon Township)
  • Does Hornes tell Kaufmann's their business? None of your business. I aint telling yinz about it, Does Hornes tell Kaumann's their business? (Submitted by Connie, Pittsburgh)
  • Don't cut no ice Unbelievable. A flimsy excuse. "Yer story don't cut no ice." (Submitted by Donna Levin, Annapolis, MD)
  • Don't go err wit me. Don't go there with me.. You don't wanna go err with me on this subject. (Submitted by Leslie, Huntsville, Alabama)
  • Dooder Jobs Do their jobs. Heard frequently on TV news when they're doing "Man on the street" interviews. (Submitted by Fran Bacvinskas, Bethel Park, PA)
  • Downa Down to the. Wanna go downa Gardens? (Submitted by Mal Malloy, San Diego, CA)
  • Drip dropin A light rain. We can go aht now, it's just drip dropin. (Submitted by Saralyn Seiler, Deltona, Fl)
  • Elvis has left the building Said by (announcer) Mike Lang when the Penguins win. (Submitted by Margie, Pittsburgh)
  • Fell out. Meaning that someone lost consciousness. Possibly, but not necessarily, from falling out of a tree. (Submitted by M. Abbitt, Pittsburgh)
  • Fer cryin in da sink I don't believe this. Fer cryin in da sink, can't kordell throw to da right people er what? (Submitted by Dan DeWoody, Orlando Florida)
  • Food Shoppin' Grocery shopping. Yinz goin' food shoppin'at da gint igl n'at? (Submitted by Gina Hart, Industry, PA)
  • Furill For real. I'm furill is used to imply that something is true. (Submitted by Sharon Darby, Duquesne University)
  • Gazinta A mathematical term used in Division. 4 gazinta 12 three times. (Submitted by Walter Kozikowski, Rockville, MD)
  • Getouttatheroad Get out of the way. You're in my way and I'm going to run into you if you don't move!! (Submitted by Bill Frey, Los Gatos, CA)
  • Gets da steppin' Hurry up. Gets da steppin', we're gonna be late! (Submitted by Jim Long, Pittsburgh)
  • Git atta 'er/Get aht Get out of here. Exclaimed when someone is in disbelief. (Submitted by Mary Ellen Ciptak, Los Angeles, CA)
  • Gitdahellaht! Get the hell out (of here). Means, "You're kidding!" (Submitted by Terey Allen, Detroit, MI)
  • Go Ghost Disappear. Ah'll lend ya da money 'cuz yer blood, but don't go ghost on me, y'hear? (Submitted by Abby Schiff, New York, NY)
  • Go by way of Altoona Take the long way. How's come yunz so late? Didja go by way of Altoona? (Submitted by Lloyd Piper, Kokomo, Indiana)
  • Go turn on Bill Burns Turn on Channel 2 news. (Submitted by Lynne Ralston-Riedell, Tinker AFB, OK)

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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More Hollywood Squares TV Show takeouts

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knots: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.

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5 Important lessons Of life

First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady. During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 P.M., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurryy, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.. It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve. In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path. In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts... Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Submitted by Rosemary, Thurmont, Md.

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I was feeling a little nosey,
so I thought I would look in on you and see
if you are sitting at your computer.

Yup, there you are!

Have a GREAT Day

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Jan 19th Humor Page