Resolution #1:

• 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
• 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
• 2001: I will read 5 books a year.
• 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
• 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
• 2004: I will read at least one article this year.
• 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
• 2006: I will scan the headlines on the front page this year.
• 2007: I will bring the newspaper in from the lawn this year.

Resolution #2:

• 1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
• 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
• 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
• 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
• 2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
• 2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
• 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
• 2006: I will buy clothes that fit, but without too much room to grow.
• 2007: I will finish the chocolate.

Resolution #3:

• 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
• 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
• 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
• 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
• 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
• 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
• 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

Resolution #4:

• 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
• 2003: I will not leave Marge.
• 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
• 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #5:

• 2002: I will stop looking at other women.
• 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
• 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
• 2005: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #6:

• 2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
• 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
• 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
• 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #7:

• 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
• 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
• 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
• 2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

Resolution #8:

• 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
• 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
• 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
• 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #9:

• 2002: I will see my dentist this year.
• 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
• 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
• 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10:

• 2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
• 2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
• 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
• 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

• I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
• I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
• I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
• I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
• When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
• I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
• No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
• I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
• I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
• I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

T'was the week after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.

He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,

""Enjoy what you got ... you'll be paying all year!"

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."