Humor Selections for Feb 2nd, 2007

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An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate When things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.

"I Have been diagnosed with AIDS. "

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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You know you're from Pittsburgh if you understand these phrases ... Take 5
  • Or whatever ennat, ya know? The proper ending to a statement. We went dahnna sahside and hadda couple Ahrns or whatever ennat ya know? (Submitted by Tony Nicola, Nashville, TN)
  • Out bacca Behind. She lives out bacca Eastvail. (Submitted by Hazel Farkas, Beaver Falls, PA)
  • Out the road Far, in no specific direction.. "Where's he live?" "Way out the road somewhere." (Submitted by Rachel, Columbus, Ohio)
  • Ovaderr Over there. Take iss box and put it ovaderr. (Submitted by Dave Beatty, Punxsutawney, PA)
  • Ow-No I don't know. Ow No hah many Ahrns I kin drink in an ahr. (Submitted by J.R.K., San Jose, CA)
  • Partly Clah-dy an' Mahld Partly Cloudy and Mild. As said by Pittsburgh's favoritemeteorologist, Joe DeNardo. (Submitted by David Hoerster, Falls Church, VA)
  • Putemen Put them in. Gimme a poke ta putemen. (Submitted by Joe Wilson, Heidleberg, Germany)
  • S'muny Some money. Hey mom can I have s'muny? (Submitted by Carissa Nolla, Pittsburgh)
  • S'not It is not. As in "No it's s'not." (Submitted by Chuck Granberg, Shaler)
  • S'up What's up. (Submitted by Anthony Nolla, Pittsburgh)
  • Safternoon This afternoon. Are you guys coming over the safternoon? (Submitted by C. Silvis Hack, Central IL)
  • Same difference Same thing or no difference. (Submitted by Joseph Stiehm, Raleigh, NC)
  • Sappenin What's happening. It is a substitute for, or a response to (s'up). Example: S'up? Sappenin? Dunno, Sappenin wichew? (Submitted by Jake Robinson, New Brighton, PA)
  • Scratch my back with a hacksaw Said by (announcer) Mike Lang when the Penguins score a goal. (Submitted by Margie, Pittsburgh)
  • Sees Ya! Words for goodbye. After yinz leave da Eroler game you tell your friends Sees ya! (Submitted by Mickey, New Castle)
  • Sgo Let's go. (Submitted by Jamie Kloos, Cory)
  • Sgoinon? What's going on. (Submitted by Jamie Kloos, Cory)
  • Sheeps leg Wipe your nose. Hey man, you gotta sheeps leg hanging from your nose. (Submitted by Colleen Hasselo, Orlando, FL)
  • Shil She will. Ask mom for da car, shil let you borra it. (Submitted by J. Cernic, Johnstown, PA)
  • Shutda light Turn off the light. Uhm tahrd, shutda light. (Submitted by Erin and Josh, Worshingtun Jeffersun Cawwedge)
  • Sick'n tard Sick and tired. Um sick'n tard uh d'way yinz guys talk. (Submitted by David, Verona, PA)
  • Sposda Supposed to. We're sposda go dahntahn for da Stiller game. (Submitted by Missy Borkowski, Clayton, NC)
  • Spread some chicken on the hill, Will Said at the pirate games when Willie Stargell was up to bat. If he hit a home run people would get a free chicken dinner in his restaurant. (Submitted by Keith Rhodes, Kissimmee, FL)
  • Squattna Let's go out on the. Squattna porch 'n eat sum jumbo. (Submitted by Kevin DeRose, South Park)
  • Squeet Let's go eat!. (Submitted by Serena Spenser, Pittsburgh)
  • Stan, Guy, love the show What most callers to Sportsbeat say before they ask a question. (Submitted by Kevin Ritchart, Lexington, KY)
  • Stoofar It's too far. I'd walk to Kroger, but it stoofar. (Submitted by Bob Havrilla, Fredericksburg, VA)
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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Baby Boomer Blues

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby Boomers. They include:

  • Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
  • Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
  • The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
  • Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
  • Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
  • Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
  • Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
  • The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
  • Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
  • Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
  • The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
  • Abba--- Denture Queen.
  • Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
  • Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
  • Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:

  • Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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An Ethical Dilemma - What Would You Do?

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

  1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
  2. An old friend who once saved your life.
  3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation. WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: ""I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."" Never forget to ""Think Outside of the Box."

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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How to fail a sobriety test before you take one - Download Video

Also submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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Runner up # 2 for Man of the Year

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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