Humor Selections for Feb 19th, 2007

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Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 - 6:00 PM: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More #$%^&** shoveling! Took all day. The damn snow plough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the !@#$$%^%^^&& snow plough.

December 25: Merry Christmas my foot! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snow plough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Wonder why they tied me to this bed??

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 32

"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers

"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler

"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

"The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce he's running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That's right folks, they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring." --Conan O'Brien

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're learning more and more about that crazy astronaut. ... She told the police that she was involved with another astronaut and that it was more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship. Or, as the Clintons call it, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Vanilla Ice-cream Window

Some time ago a complaint was received from a customer of the Pontiac division of General Motors. It was passed to a customer-care executive. His is what he read:

"This is the second time that I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of Ice-cream for dessert after dinner each night, but the kind of ice-cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice-cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem….

You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of icecream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds…

"What is it about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice-cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind of ice-cream?"

The Pontiac executive was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The engineer was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice-cream store. It was vanilla that night, and sure enough, the car wouldn't start when they returned to it.

The engineer returned three more nights. The first night they got chocolate. The car started. The second night was strawberry, the car starting straight away. The third night was vanilla again, and the car would not start.

The engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this car was allergic to vanilla icecream, so he arranged to continue his visits far as long as it took to solve the problem; toward this end, he began to take notes, jotting down all types of data: time of day, type of gas used, journey times, temperatures, and so on. It wasn't long before he found a clue: the man took less time to buy the vanilla icecream than the other flavours because, being the most popular, it was stored in a case near the front of the store. The others were at the back, at a different counter, and it took considerably longer to check out the flavour.

So the question became why wouldn't the car start when it took less time. Eureka. Time was now the problem, not the vanilla ice-cream. The answer was not long in coming. Vapour lock!

It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start straight away, but not when the vanilla was bought.

Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real. Impossibilities do give way to reason and insight. It is our attitude and perception that determine the resolution of our problems.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished ...

... came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?" 

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

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Computers take 1 ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Feb 16th Humor Page