Humor Selections for Dec 5th, 2007


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
More humorous observations on life
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
  • It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • I don't really see what the fun in watching drag racing is. Sure, it's funny to watch grown men run down the street in high heels and a dress, but other than that, it's boring.
  • I disagree with my psychiatrist's assertion that I'm depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I'm pretty sure the real reason is: My life sucks.
  • There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
  • You just can't go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone's swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, "How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?" I told him "Until my bladder's empty."
  • Anybody who can swallow an aspirin at a drinking fountain deserves to get well.
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
  • The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
 

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During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Funny Signs
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
  • Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
  • In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
  • In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

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The White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially the ladies who bake for Church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Church Ladies' Group but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there isn't enough time to bake another cake." This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified; she was beside herself. Everyone would know!

What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob and more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from one of the founding families, but having already sent her RSVP, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

(Think about it a minute, it took me a while to get the punch line!)

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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The old Indian chief called for the two bravest warriors in the tribe.

"Running Buffalo, Falling Rocks, you go and seek buffalo skins. Whichever of you returns with the most skins will become my right hand man and will be the next chief."

A month later, Running Buffalo came back with nearly a hundred pelts.

Sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

The tribe organized a search and looked everywhere, but they couldn't find the missing brave anywhere.

Today, as you drive through the West, you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this lost warrior. Throughout the highways, on interstates and side roads, you can still see their signs that say, 'Watch for Falling Rocks.'"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England  
 

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Be still, be very, very still ...

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Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Dec 3rd Humor Page