Humor Selections for Dec 12th, 2007

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When god first created Eve things went along quite well for a time...

... but one day Eve said, "God, It's lovely here in Eden, getting to know the animals and plants and things, but somehow I feel there's something missing. None of the animals will come into the hut, and they're too big anyway, it's like I need company or something."

"Yes…. I suppose you might have a point", God responded, and within a short while a beautiful loving dog appeared and made himself comfortable.

Eve was overjoyed, and things went along well for a while, but then she said, "…um, God, the dog's great, and I love him and all, but, well, he's got some bad habits. He rolls in the mud and comes in dirty, he's begun to fight with the other animals, and he looks pathetic if I don't feed him on time. Is there anything…?"

"Look," said God, "nothing on earth can be as perfect as you, so stop expecting too much. But, I'll see what I can do. Let's see…. Same basic design, I'm afraid, same bad habits, but this one you should be able to manipulate into bringing the food to you and supplying a few comforts. See how you get on."

That's when she made Adam

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

II got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise...

... God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter.

" Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

Submitted by Lindsay, Bill, Jay, Ed, Ashley, Dick, Al, Dave, and just about everyone one else to us over the last two weeks!  So I guess it's safe to run it!

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Dumb Blond vs. third grader ...  Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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"Hey lady, I think I found your problem!"


Also submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Dec 7th Humor Page