Humor Selections for August 17th, 2007

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors...

...  one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 50

"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno

"Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman

"Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Quiz for people who want to know everything...
  1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
  2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.
  3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.
  4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside.
  5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
  6. Three English words beginning with dw.
  7. Name the fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar
  8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.
  9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S."


  1. Boxing
  2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
  3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
  4.  Strawberry.
  5. It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
  6. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
  7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
  8.  Lettuce
  9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine.

Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived. "Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello"

For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine.

The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God... Dopey is still alive."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Blonde Cookbook Diary ...

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
  • Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
  • Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
  • If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
  • If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
  • If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?
  • If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
  • What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
  • What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
  • Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
  • Why do pigs have curly tails?
  • Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
  • Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?
  • Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Don't judge too quickly... Download: Video 1, Video 2, Video 3

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Aug 13th Humor Page