Humor Selections for August 1st, 2007

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A guy is sitting in a bar having a quiet drink when a nice looking blond ...

... sits down on the stool next to him. He takes no notice, so she asks, "What are you drinking?"

"Magic beer," he replies.

"Oh, sure," says the blond, and moves away. But she can't resist this hunk, so she goes back. "Magic beer, huh?"


"So how does it work?"

He signals to the barman for another beer, drinks it, walks to the open window, and flies out, three times around the building, back in, onto his stool. "Like that," he says.

She's fascinated, but sceptical. "Yeah. Pretty good trick. Bet you can't do it again?"

So he does. She's impressed. I've got to try this, she thinks. "OK, I'm game. Give me one of those magic beers." She drinks it, walks to the window, jumps out, and crashes straight to the ground.

The barman looks at the guy and says "You know, you're real mean when you're drunk, superman."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie

... right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

  • "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."
  • "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
  • "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
  • "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
  • "You don't look a day over 40."
  • "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
  • "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
  • "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
  • "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."
  • "Your hair looks just fine."
  • "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."
  • "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused...

  • They faxed...
  • They e-mailed...
  • They e-mailed with attachments..
  • They downloaded...
  • They did spreadsheets!
  • They wrote reports...
  • They created labels and cards...
  • They created charts and graphs...
  • They did some genealogy reports..
  • They did every job known to man...

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off! Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE!

I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!

How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, Jesus Saves.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and, sure enough, I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right could be so easy...

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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If Harley Davidson outsourced its manufacturing ... Down load slideshow

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fla.

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Letter of the day ...

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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