|Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics ...
..., these are
some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website, obviously the answers are a joke; but these
questions were really asked:
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
Q: I have never seen it to be warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (from England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (from USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4000 miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the
hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable
TV with a bad hairstyle.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
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|Insults you would love to use at work but can't!
- A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
- I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.
- I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
- Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
- Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!
- Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
- Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
- Are you brain-dead?
- Are your parents siblings?
- As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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about Work, My
Little Sister's Jokes,
|Little Bobby came into the kitchen
where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. Little Bobby was a
bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he
did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him
why you deserve a bike for your birthday. Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, So he tore up the letter and started over.
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend, Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you,
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mum that he wanted to go to
church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent
down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and
sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.
I've kidnapped your mum. If you want to see her again, send the bike!!!!!!
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Jokes, My Little
|Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 38
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife
forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey,
neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno
"The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the
president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's
land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert
"According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno
"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill
"In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the
Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno
"I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the
Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher
"According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead
the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Submitted by Bill,
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April 2nd Humor Page