Humor Selections for April 18th, 2007

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There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident ...

... except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Procrastinator's Creed
  • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
  • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
  • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  • I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
  • If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
  • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  • I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  • I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
  • I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  • I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

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You know you're from Long Island if...
  • You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you almost never go there.
  • When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't.
  • You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York.
  • You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
  • You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
  • You never realize you have an accent till you leave.
  • Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate." New Jersey sucks.
  • At some point in your life you've gone clamming.
  • Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.
  • You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.
  • You don't live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island.
  • You know where the Commack Motor Inn is.
  • Your distant future might involve the state of Florida.
  • You can correctly pronounce places like
  • Ronkonkoma, Hauppauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa.
  • You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonalds and 36 7-11's.
  • You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."
  • You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
  • No, you don't want mustard on that burger!!
  • You can't understand why a diner would ever close.
  • You've had a seagull crap on your car.
  • You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville.
  • You went to an elementary school that promoted dodge ball as the number 1 game among children 7-13.
  • You know WhiteCastle is terrible for you and the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave".
  • You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan.
  • You think that somehow, the Jets and giants still play in New York.
  • You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn and had the dreaded wait until 5:30.
  • You or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League.
  • Quick! Who's your county Executive? Don't know do you?!
  • You've never taken an MTA bus.
  • The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.
  • You don't associate Fire Islandwith gay men.
  • You know which parts of the godfather were filmed on Long Island.
  • You've paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it.
  • You miss wiffle ball and running through sprinklers.
  • You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute and you enjoy watching it grow up.
  • Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from The NorthShore, or a cool girl from the SouthShore".
  • You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn.
  • When people ask "where are you from?" you answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York.
  • You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."
  • The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more Than 2 hours (without moving).
  • Your parents took you to All American, Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).
  • Regular gas - $3.29 and you still pay it!!!
  • You hate paying tolls.
  • You don't have to go far to see your family.
  • You remember Grumman.
  • You've gotten drunk on the bleachers of some high school.
  • You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!
  • You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good.
  • You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Ronkonkoma.
  • Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.
  • You think the people from Brooklyn are "da wunz dat tawk wit a accent."
  • You went sledding in the sumps. You've partied on a golf course in the middle of the night.
  • You knew of Massapequabefore the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.
  • You think going to Queens
  • was a hike.
  • The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea" you were Somewhere else and you laughed.
  • When you live somewhere else and are astounded to see that people actually stop at yellow lights.
  • When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, you'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels.
  • You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island.
  • When you walk in the city and you see two men holding becomes normal to you.
  • No word ends in an ER, just an AH.

Submitted by Jay, who, yes, if from Long Island!

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She Was So Blonde That ...
  • She tripped over a cordless phone.
  • She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
  • She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
  • She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  • She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  • She studied for a blood test.
  • When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  • When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
  • She sold the car for gas money!

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 40

"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno

"Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno

"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You know you're chasing a real redneck when the Bloodhound acts like this

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida

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April 13th Humor Page