Humor Selections for April 13th, 2007

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I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician...

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir
  • You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
  • The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
  • You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.
  • The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
  • There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
  • For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
  • You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.
  • The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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You Might Be A Redneck If
  • Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
  • You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
  • You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
  • You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
  • You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
  • You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
  • Every time you see a road sign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
  • You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping Pong table

Submitted by Dan, Bugtussle Hollow, Tenn.

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A Good Pun is Its Own Reword
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  • The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu the same mustard as before.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you wellred.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is twotired.
  • What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
  • A backward poet writes inverse.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Many, many years ago, When I was twenty-three,

I married a fine widow,
As pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown up girl
With hair of fiery red,
My father fell in love with her
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life -
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matter more,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of
A bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A bro-in-law to dad,
And so became my uncle,
Which made me feel quite mad.

For if he was my uncle
It somehow made him brother
To the widow's grown up daughter,
My very own stepmother.

Father's wife then had a boy
Who kept them on the run,
My grandson then had he become
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother -
It really makes me blue
Because although she is my wife
She is my grandma too.

Now if my wife is my grandma
Then I am her grandchild
And every time I think on it
It really drives me wild

For now I am the strangest case
You'll ever see, by far,
As the husband of my grandmamma
I am my own grandpa!

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator " for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, containing his signature and mine, with the same number at the top."

Attorney: "Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?

Officer: " Yes sir. Iin the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH ", underlined."

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, sir"

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile"

Officer: "Yes, sir."

Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.

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Strip Poker ... Download Video

Submitted by Dewy, Pensacola, FL

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And you thought they were joking about global warming?

Also, submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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April 11th Humor Page