Dog Philosophy 101
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh,
- The reason a dog has so many friends is that
he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous
- Don't accept your dog's admiration as
conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
- If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I
die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
- There is no psychiatrist in the world like a
puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
- A dog is the only thing on earth that loves
you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
- The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person. - Andy Rooney
- We give dogs time we can spare, space we can
spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam
- Dogs love their friends and bite their
enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and
always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud
- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are
members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
- If I have any beliefs about immortality, it
is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very
few persons. - James Thurber
- If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough
exercise. - Unknown
- My dog is worried about the economy because
Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe
- Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?
I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
haul - - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the
greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
- Women and cats will do as they please, and
men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A.
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him
prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference
between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
- You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and
the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
- Dogs are not our whole life, but they make
our lives whole. - Roger Caras
- If you think dogs can't count, try putting
three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
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Jokes about Animals, My Little
As the family gathered for a big dinner
the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army
There were audible gasps around the table, then
some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he
could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered
one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"You would never get through basic training,"
The new recruit looked to his mother for help,
but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply
asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
Submitted by Ray, King of
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 21
"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the
U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has
been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two
kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first
time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay
"A new season of 'Survivor' debuted tonight
featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The
Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called
Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans." --Conan
"General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in
Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying
that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight
against terrorism. That's what I think he said -- it was hard to hear
him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in
Guantanamo Bay." --Jay Leno
"This week, President Bush said he has no plans
to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going
to wing it.'." --Conan O'Brien
"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful
actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have
been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest
with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David
"The hot gossip in Washington is that
Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is
being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be
awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise
Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her."
"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill
to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea
is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien
"Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The
white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the
Asian team." --Jay Leno
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Comments made in the year
- "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep
going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's
groceries for $20."
- "Have you seen the new cars coming out next
year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
- "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm
going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
- "Did you hear the post office is thinking
about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
- "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody
will be able to hire outside help at the store."
- "When I first started driving, who would have
thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Gues s we'd be
better off leaving the car in the garage."
- "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail
hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know,
boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
- "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any
more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in
'Gone With The Wind,' it seems
- every new movie has either "hell" or "damn"
- "I read the other day where some scientist
thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the
century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for
it down in Texas "
- "Did you see where some baseball player just
signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
- "I never thought I'd see the day all our
kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric
- "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I
see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
- "It won't be long before young couples are
going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both
- "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more;
those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a
- "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going
to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
- "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day
when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder
if we are electing the best people to congress."
- "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in
nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
- "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha
anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a
- "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a
day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
- "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair
cut, forget it."
Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Sale ... Early Model Motorcycle and Fast Growing Tree
Submitted by Lindsay,
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My Little Sister's Jokes,
Sept 22nd Humor Page