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NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an
astronaut.
They trained them for months.
Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the
shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control
center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad
and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center
announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"
At that the second monkey started typing like
mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control
announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know.
Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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A Navy officer was cutting through the
crew's quarters of his ship one day ...
... and happened upon a sailor reading a
magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer
demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Conversion Table, for you brainy
types----
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its
diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking
the pavement = 1bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1
billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical
mile per hour =Knotfurlong
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod
Serling
- Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = A
straight line
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
- 52 cards = 1 decacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 10 rations = 1 decoration
- 100 rations = 1 C-ration
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical
tubing at Cornell University Hospital = 1 IV League
- 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Results of the Washington Post 2005 Post's Mensa Invitational
... Readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:
- Cashtration: The act of buying a
house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.
- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a
tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start
with.
- Reintarnation: Coming back to life
as a hillbilly.
- Bozone: The substance surrounding
stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone
layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.
- Foreploy: Any misrepresentation
about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
- Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted
very, very high.
- Sarchasm: The gulf between the
author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
- Inoculatte: To take coffee
intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon: It's like, when
everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
- Decafalon: The grueling event of
getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Glibido: All talk and no action.
- Dopeler effect: The tendency of
stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic
dance you perform just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.
- Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of
a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor (n): The color you turn
after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
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I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with your
pick up truck ... ... when I
turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really
didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I
turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator
instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent, but the pick up
fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind
hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you
and care for you my sweet heart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Love and kisses.
Submitted by Dory,
Pittsburgh, Pa. |
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Oct 6
Humor Page
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