Humor Selections for October 6th, 2006


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A well lit man is sitting at a bar and strikes up a conversation with a gent next to him

The drunk laments about a serious injury that occurred to his horse. "He backed into a wooden fence and got a large splinter in his...I can't remember the term the Vet told me," said the old soak.

The gentleman next to him asked, "Rectum?"

"Wreck'em???! Wreck'em???! exclaimed the souse. It damn near killed him!!!!"

Submitted by Ray, Norristown, PA
 

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A big Texan saw Billy Bob standing next to a big horse

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Bill Bob, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."

Billy Bob says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."

"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."

"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Billy Bob.

The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."

"Oh well," says Billy Bob, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."

"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Bill Bob unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Billy Bob and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"

Billy Bob just shrugged his shoulders and said "I keep tellin' you he don't look too good!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Never Send a Right Mail to a Wrong Female

A husband and a wife were going on a vacation to the tropics. The husband was flying in from a business trip a day early and checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife to let her know he was in. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've just checked in

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just been checked in. Itís hotter then I expected down here. Iíve got everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!

Your loving Hubby

Submitted by Karthikeyan, somewhere in India!
 

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob...

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later , Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north, about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Never tell your wife how to paint ... Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The latest victim of E-Coli in Spinach

Submitted by just about everyone one of our regular contributors!
 

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Oct 2 Humor Page