The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

• Auction: A popular social gathering where you can change your horse from a liability into an asset.
• Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse-show food stands.
• Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
• Endurance ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
• Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
• Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse something to chew on.
• Grooming: Fine art of removing dirt from your horse's body and applying it to your own.
• Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
• Lungeing: Popular training method in which a horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy.

• I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
• I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
• I would have talked less and listened more.
• I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
• I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
• I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
• I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
• I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
• I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
• I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
• Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
• When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."
• But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it and never give it back. Stop Sweating the Small Stuff!!!

• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
• "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
• we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
• "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
• "In God we trust, all others are suspects."