A somewhat advanced society has figured
how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes
to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for
The student takes the pill and swallows
it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you
have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history,
biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and
swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a
pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a
moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill,
and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for
math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know
math always was a little hard to swallow."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
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A Chef's Dictionary
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
- Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage
in the preparation of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the
bite. Pasta that has been boiled too long is described, according to
the degree to which it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, al
botcho, and al garbaggio.
- Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which
spirits are present, hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on
braziers by sauce- smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with
cabalistic slogans, and human flesh is offered to insects.
- Basting: Process through which cooking juices
in a roasting pan are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon,
ladle or spoon -- to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside
of the oven door, the floor, the stove top, and the counter.
- Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
- Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in
such a fashion that the cook must turn the page just after the point
where a thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.
- Diet: The specific types and quantities of
food that any given individual will start eating tomorrow, next week,
or after the beginning of the new year.
- Food: Any plant or animal substance that
provides nourishment. There are basically four broad categories of
food: carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and individually wrapped
chocolates with cherry centers.
- Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a
kitchen task in one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.
- Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.
- Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish
something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste
and that you're leaving the best part.
- Health Food: Any food whose flavor is
indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.
- Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or
bottle with a label containing lies in a foreign language.
- Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections
served at breakfast with toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly
enough, jams and jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories
expended in opening the jars and packets in which they are sold
greatly exceeds the number consumed in the course of eating their
- Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing
items that should have been put somewhere else.
- Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot
of leek soup.
- Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in
which a dish whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve
it this evening should have been soaking in since at least last night.
- Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls
them noodles anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.
- Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain
that fits over the hand.
- Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards
from the nearest bathroom.
- Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions
for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own
to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
- Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates
present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar
and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and
honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose
(malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and
- Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between,
say, Tripes a la Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical
discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.
- Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or
otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.
- Utensil: A spill, cut, burn, or bungle with a
handle on the end.
- Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that
consists of too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture
containing partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an
excess of salt, all the juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon
half, and dry mustard that fell out of the can in a big lump.
- Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices
used by sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone.
Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg
beater (strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps),
and the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).
- Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from
partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three
foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are
goulash and squid.
- Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large
volume in California and available by the liter or gallon in both
premium and unleaded varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35
a.m., though some people swear by the 9:58.
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about Work, My
Little Sister's Jokes,
A young couple met with their pastor to
set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a
contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant
legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his
best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the
ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants, whispered the
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind,"
the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
Once again Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England ... we'll just call this Ken's page today ...
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you thought your job was hazardous! Take 1
Submitted by Lindsay,
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My Little Sister's Jokes,
Oct 9th Humor Page