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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season,"
Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and
pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint
Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately
through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."
And so the Holiday joke season begins....
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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In a terrible accident at a railroad
crossing ... ... a train
smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the
track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to
court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample
warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He
even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court
believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over.
"You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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There were two good ol' boys from the
South who love to fish ...
... and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in
Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They
stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got
all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So
they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're
gonna need another dozen ice picks." The fellow in the shop wanted to
ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old
boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the
ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how
are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the
water yet."
Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an
elderly gentleman and an elderly lady ...
... struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided
to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up,
and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on
their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go
up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the
boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just
happened.
They fished for a while and continued on down
the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again
asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the
elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the
elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the
river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go
up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were sex or drown."
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Submitted by Dave,
Bolder, Co.
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Nov 22 Humor Page
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