Humor Selections for November 20th, 2006

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car ...

...and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.  The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,.."Okay, you can go I didn't realize you were a cop.

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Top Five Most Frivolous Cases Filed By New York City Prisoners
  • Francis Hugh Smith claimed New York owed him US$10 million because faulty medical care caused amnesia that made him leave his work-release job and forget to return to prison.
  • Anthony Malloy sough "US$989 billion trillion" because he said prison guards beat up his jacket, which he was not wearing at the time. His case was dismissed.
  • Anthony Gill claimed secondhand cigarette smoke from other inmates caused him medical problems -- altho' he buys cigarettes from the prison commissary.
  • Jose Reyes wants US$1000 because the state made him eat vegetable diet loaf after he violated prison rules. He said he lost 450g.
  • Thomas Higgins sued the state for US$10,000 because a prison laundry machine broke and he claims a constitutional right to clean clothes and blankets.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Sunday's sermon was titled "Forgive your enemies'"

Towards the end of the service the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% of the congregation held up their hands.

He repeated the question, and this time everyone responded except for one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she responded sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that's very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," was the reply.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down to the front and trell us all how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?

This sweetheart of an old lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, a wicked grin on her face, "I outlived the bitches!"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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What computer abbreviations really stand for:
  • ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
  • APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
  • IBM = I Blame Microsoft
  • DEC = Do Expect Cuts
  • CA = Constant Acquisitions
  • CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
  • OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
  • SCSI = System Can't See It
  • DOS = Defunct Operating System
  • BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
  • WWW = World Wide Wait
  • MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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