Humor Selections for May 31st, 2006

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News From the Old Country ...
  • Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
  • Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Manchester Evening News)
  • Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
  • A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common." (The Times)
  • At the height of the gale the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a wind gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
  • Mrs. Irene Graham, of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscences of the German POW who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, and she recalled that He's always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946 they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.' (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness ...

... a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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I was keeping my 3 yr old grandson Tristy..

.... and had to run errands. He was in the back seat in his carseat when I pulled into the drive-in bank. The next thing I heard was his seatbelt unfastening and him jumping up to say...."I'll take vanilla!" Needless to say our next stop was at the ice cream shop.

Jeremy (age 5) had to go with his dad to a financial planning meeting and was warned how quiet he would have to be for the hour they would be there. At the end of the meeting, the presenter commented about how nice and patient Jeremy had been. Then he said..."Jeremy, would you like to have $1 today, or $2 tomorrow?" Jeremy thought for a minute, then said..."I think I'll take my $2 today."

3 yr. old Chey had potty training down now, but would often wait until the last minute. She ran down our hall yelling..."Grandma, Grandma...please turn on the light in the bathroom."  I said, "honey, Papa is in the room right next to the bathroom, have him turn it on." "Papa, Papa, please turn on the light in the bathroom." she said running back down the hall. Papa turns on the light and Chey just stands there looking at, ok, go away. Papa takes the opportunity to tease her about getting in there and taking care of her business right now. Then giggles as he walks down the hall toward me. Chey sticks her head back out the bathroom door and said, "Well, ya don't have to be so crabby."

Submitted by Carla, Plano, TX

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Recent Quips from Late Night Take - 11

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno

"Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with President Bush." --David Letterman

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman

"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon announced today that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border is only 20% under control." --Jay Leno

"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno

"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler

"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"

With a grin, one of the other workers mutters,...... "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

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Gas prices take 11

Submitted by Tim, Action Ohio.

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May 26th Humor Page