Humor Selections for May 17th, 2006

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You May Be A Floridian If...

  • You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
  • The freezer in your garage is full of homemade ice.
  • You flinch when you are introduced to a person named Wilma, Frances or Ivan.
  • You find yourself dropping words like "Millibar" and "Convection" into everyday conversation.
  • Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti O's.
  • Making coffee on your propane grill does not seem like an odd thing to do.
  • You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
  • When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe place.
  • You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
  • You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of unleaded.
  • The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
  • You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
  • You have the number for FEMA on your speed dialer.
  • You own more than three large coolers.
  • You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
  • Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
  • You catch a 5-pound catfish... in your driveway.
  • You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
  • At parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
  • You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
  • There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
  • You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at The Weather Channel.
  • Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
  • Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
  • Relocating to North Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports
  • "I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?" - Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
  • "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf." - Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
  • "There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'" - Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
  • "He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size." - Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown
  • "It's almost like we have ESPN." - Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
  • "Tom." - Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966
  • "Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good." - Tom Watt, ex- Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
  • "I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports." - Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.
  • "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
  • "He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too." - Don King, boxing promoter.
  • "Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same." - PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
  • "It's basically the same, just darker." - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991
  • "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." - Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Ways to Know If You Have "Estrogen Issues"
  • Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
  • You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
  • The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
  • Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
  • You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
  • Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice!
  • Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
  • You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
  • The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Things Only Women Understand

  • Cats' facial expressions.
  • The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
  • Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
  • Fat clothes.
  • Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
  • The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
  • Cutting your hair to make it grow.
  • Eyelash curlers.
  • The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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When I was growing up in the country a local character was known to all and sundry as 'skinflint'.

It was said he would rob mousetraps for the fur they contained, and he was about as popular as a wicker seat in a nudist colony. He hated any kind of work, but lived on various shady deals he made with anyone silly enough to talk to him. He wasn't all that bright, but his skin was as thick as rhinoceros hide. He was also enormously fat, and rumor had it that his wife had expired from lack of sunshine.

One time he sprained his ankle - possibly from falling off his wallet - so he drove to the doctor's house and called for him to come out and examine him. The medico reluctantly went to the car and, after looking at the ankle, said, "It's a slight sprain, that's all. Bathe it in hot water and rest. That's all you can do." Knowing his patient's reputation he added, "That'll be ten dollars, thanks."

"What for?" demanded skinflint.

"My professional advice."

"Nothing doing." Putting the car in gear he said, "I've decided not to take it."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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Gas prices take 8


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May 15th Humor Page