Humor Selections for March 29th, 2006

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American were all captured by a group of cannibals.

The cannibal chief, not wanting to appear "primitive" offered each one a last request before they were killed, and that no matter what the request, it would be fulfilled.

The Englishman thought that this was his way out. All he had to do was to make a request that he was sure the chief couldn't fulfill and he wouldn't be killed. So, he requested a nice hot cup of Earl Grey Tea. After all, how could the chief produce a cup of English tea way out here in the bush? "Hmmm", said the chief as he thought about it. After a moment he went into his hut where for the next several minutes strange sounds could be heard coming out. Finally, he re-appeared with a beautiful silver tea service with a steaming pot of Earl Grey Tea. Resigned to his fate, the Englishman sipped his cup of tea as slowly as he could, after which, the cannibals killed him, skinned him and made a canoe out of his skin.

"Wow!" thought both the Frenchman and the American. "They mean business." Well up next was the Frenchman. He figured out what the Englishman was up to, but that he didn't request something that was hard enough to find. So, he requested a glass of a rare 1923 Chateau de Chien Malade. "They'll never be able to produce that!" thought the Frenchman. But once again, after several minutes in his hut, the chief brought out a dusty bottle of the wine with a beautiful wine glass. "Merde!" said the Frenchman as he reluctantly sipped his wine. After he finished, the cannibals killed him, skinned him and made a canoe out of his skin.

At last it was the American's turn. The chief braced himself for what the next request would be. "I want a fork", said the American defiantly. "A fork?" asked the chief? "Yeah, a fork. Ya got one, or don't cha?!" So, the chief went into his hut and immediately returned with a fork, which he then handed over to the American.

Looking out at the group of cannibals, and then at his two dead companions, the American held up the fork for a moment. Then as he started stabbing himself over and over he shouted at the top of his lungs…

…"No one's making a damn canoe outta me!!!!!!!!!"

Submitted by Steve, Iowa City, Iowa

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More Recent Quips from Late Night
  • "New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher
  • According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything." --Jay Leno
  • Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel
  • Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House. He presented the president with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology." --Bill Maher
  • President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien
  • More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno
  • I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart
  • The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno
  • Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this he was stunned, he was shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser." --David Letterman
  • In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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On the 6th day, God created men and women. On the 7th day, he rested.

Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created the teacher.

This teacher though, taken from among men and women had several significant modifications. In general, God made the teacher more durable than other men and women. The teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 PM. With no rest in between. The teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight room with 35 little monsters on a rainy Monday. And the teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation.

Yes, God made the teacher tough - but gentle too. The teacher was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student... of the 16 year old girl who was not asked to the prom. And into the teacher God poured a generous amount of patience. Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just repeated for someone else. Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a row. Patience when 1/3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.

And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you.

And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell...Hoping not to have lunchroom duty...hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day... hoping for deliverance.

When God finished creating the teacher, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled, for when he looked at the teacher, he saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers. And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created "SNOW DAYS."

Submitted by Bill, a teacher, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old!"

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Trunk Monkey - take 4 - Download Video  

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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March 24th Humor Page