Humor Selections for March 13th, 2006

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal ...

... and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Murphy's Laws et. al.

  • Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
  • Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  • Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
  • Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
  • Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
  • Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  • Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
  • Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
  • Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  • Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
  • Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  • Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  • Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
  • Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
  • Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  • Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
  • Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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American-Australian Relations

An American oil company was drilling for oil in the far north of Australia. They brought their own crew, but hired some labourers from the local community. One of these Aussies accidentally dropped a heavy hammer down the shaft, making further drilling impossible until it was removed. Much time, money and trouble were spent in extricating it, after which the manager assembled all the men and presented it to the offender with a very sarcastic speech, concluding with, "I want you to accept this hammer as a memento, and hope it will always remind you of the trouble and expense you have caused this company through your stupid and crass carelessness. Now TAKE IT AND GO."

"Does that mean I'm sacked?" asked the Aussie.

"It sure does," was the emphatic reply.

"Well, this thing's no flamin' use to me, then," responded the labourer, proceeding to drop it neatly down the shaft again.

While visiting the United States an Australian businessman was invited to a dinner given by a major organisation. After listening to many speeches extolling the virtues of 'God's own country', he was invited to speak. Fortified by a few drinks, he told the following story:

When Noah was out upon the waters one day he noticed the ark had developed a decided list. He summoned his sons, Ham, Shem and Japheth and asked them to investigate. Ham returned shortly after and reported the cause of the trouble. "It's the bull's pen," he explained. "It's not been cleaned out since we started, and the added weight is causing the list."

"Shovel it overboard," ordered Noah.

They did, and some five thousand years later Christopher Columbus discovered it.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Hunting With Dick Chaney - take 1

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.

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