A man who just died is delivered to the
mortuary wearing an expensive ...
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does
look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought
her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue
suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what
it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in
gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How
much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her
with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost
nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference
as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads"
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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You live in California when...
- You make over $250,000 and you still can't
afford to buy a house.
- The high school quarterback calls a time-out
to answer his cell phone.
- The fastest part of your commute is going
down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you how far something is,
you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many
miles away it is.
You live in New York City when...
- You say "the city" and expect everyone to
know you mean Manhattan.
- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty
or the Empire State Building.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about
how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find
Wisconsin on a map.
- You think Central Park is "nature."
- You believe that being able to swear at
people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You've worn out a car horn.
- You think eye contact is an act of
You live in upstate New York when...
- You only have four spices: salt, pepper,
ketchup, and Tabasco.
- Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
- You have more than one recipe for moose.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less
than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: almost winter, winter,
still winter, and construction.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Little Sister's Jokes,
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made
in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain
level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received
by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving
I am writing the welfare department to say
that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two
years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children
can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is
missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going
to do about it.
Please find for if my husband is dead. The
man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find out that you
have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a
week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given
birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and
my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off about
two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty
soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have my changed little boy to a girl,
will this make any difference?
I have no children yet, as my husband is a
truck driver and works night and day.
I want money as quick as I can get it. I
have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me
any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another
In accordance with your instructions, I
have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and
6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half
sheet of paper.
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of Humorous Sayings, My Little
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night ...
..., when you pass by a bus stop and
you see three people waiting for the bus:
- An old lady who looks as if she is about to
- An old friend who once saved your life.
- The perfect partner you have been dreaming
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,
knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once
saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your
perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200
applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply
answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take
the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with
the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give
up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia.
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
best photo of the year, take 1
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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June 26th Humor Page