Humor Selections for June 26th, 2006

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Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.....

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.

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Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

  • Blackjack chewing gum
  • Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
  • Candy cigarettes
  • Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
  • Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
  • Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  • Party lines
  • Newsreels before the movie
  • P.F. Flyers
  • Butch wax
  • Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
  • Peashooters
  • Howdy Doody
  • 45 RPM records
  • S&H Green Stamps
  • Hi-fi's
  • Metal ice trays with lever
  • Mimeograph paper
  • Blue flashbulb
  • Packards
  • Roller skate keys
  • Cork popguns
  • Drive-ins
  • Studebakers
  • Wash tub wringers
  • If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
  • If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
  • If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
  • If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md

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A female humpback whale had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

She was weighed down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her ... a very dangerous proposition.

One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The bloke who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love,
be so blessed and fortunate .
to be surrounded by people
who will help you get untangled
from the things that are binding you.
And, may you always know the joy

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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"Pour me a double whisky, I've just had a blazing row with the little woman," ...

... says Jim to Charlie the publican at his local.

"Oh, yeah?" says Charlie. "Who won?"

"Put it like this, when it was all over she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?" says Charlie. "What did she say?"

"'Come out from under that bed, you sniveling little coward.'"

Submitted by Geoffroi, , Melbourne, Australia

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When a redneck wins the lottery ...

Submitted by Peter, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

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June 23rd Humor Page