Humor Selections for July 21st, 2006

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Two Texans, Bubba and Elmer were in the two holer doing their dody.

Bubba finished and as he was pulling up his pants a nickel fell out of his pocket and went right down the hole. Bubba started a cussing and a fussing and he pulled out all his change and threw it down the hole, pulled out his wallet and threw it down the hole, took off his shoes and pants, down they went, his shirt, sox and underwear followed.

Elmer sat there dumbfounded watching Bubba pitch a fit and finally asked Bubba? What in tarnation ya doin? Bubba??

Bubba just looked at Elmer and said. "Welll ya'll don't think I'm going down there after just one nickel does ya??

Submitted by Val, somewhere in Minnesota

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 14

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"So the World Cup is over and now we can finally get back to our national pastime, which is not watching soccer." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished." --David Letterman

"Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are." --Stephen Colbert

"They're coming at us. And today, there was an explosion on the East Side of Manhattan. A big townhouse blew up. So I just want to say to North Korea and to al Qaeda, 'We'll blow our own (stuff) up. We don't need you.'." --Jon Stewart

"The senate has held hearings on President Bush's use of 'signing statements'. Do you know what that is? It's a proclamation which lets the president sign a bill and limit what parts apply to him. The Democrats are acting like this is something new. It's not. It's the same thing Bill Clinton used when he signed his marriage license." --Jay Leno

"This week President Bush urged the Senate to give him line item veto power. Later the president said that line item veto power would be nice, but what he really wants is X-ray vision." --Conan O'Brien

"What is it with Republicans and Viagra? First Bob Dole, he was doing the ads for Viagra. Now you got Rush Limbaugh. Say what you want about Bill Clinton, but the man was always there to answer the call, ladies and gentlemen" --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden ...

... there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.

He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop, he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.

The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Pa.

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The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
  • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
  • Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
  • Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Nominations for best photo of the year, take 2

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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July 19th Humor Page