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Two men walk into a bar. One sits at
one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end.
The bartender asks the first man what
he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer
with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no
lime."
Then the man at the other end of the
bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic,
a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the
drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at
the university."
Then he asks the other man what he
does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the
college."
"This is remarkable," says the
bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have
the identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day
at the same time. What are the odds on something like that happening?"
Both men look up and answer in unison,
"Twelve trillion, nine hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are
viewing a painting of Adam and Eve ...
... frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."
Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A little boy was attending his first
wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked
him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
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One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt... ....
Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race. Lo and
behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race!
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest
did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the
track as the fifth race horses lined up and place a blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and
placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long
shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his
winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his
blessing on for the sixth race.
As the day went on, the priest continued
blessing one of the horses and it always came in first. Mitch began to
pull in some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out
onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears
and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent and watched the
horse come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded! He made his way to the
track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father?
All day you blessed horses and they won. For the last race, you blessed
a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the
problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne,
Australia
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How to recognize a really
bad breakup ...
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July 17th Humor Page
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