Humor Selections for July 14th, 2006

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A Mother's Dictionary ...
  • Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
  • Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
  • Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
  • Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
  • Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
  • Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
  • Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
  • Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
  • Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
  • Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
  • Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
  • Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
  • Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
  • Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing superman pajamas.
  • Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
  • Verbal: Able to whine in words.
  • Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house...
  • Weekend: When dad gets to play golf while mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Found in an actual church bulletin
  • Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.
  • Physical Qualifications: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.
  • Experience: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.
  • Beginning Wage: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.
  • Fringe Benefits: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.
  • Hours: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.
  • Retirement: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 13

"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure'" --Jon Stewart

"The White House planned the whole trip in total secrecy. The prime minister of Iraq was not told. The press was not told. Even President Bush was not told. In fact when he got off the plane in Baghdad he said, 'Boy, Arizona is hot.'" --Jay Leno

"This is weird. The state of Texas has put webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the U.S. The website is free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to you." --Conan O'Brien

"Here's something bizarre. This is absolutely true. They say when investigators were going through the rubble they found women's lingerie -- a leopard teddy. So apparently al-Zarqawi's not only a member of al Qaeda, he was a member of al-Kinky." --Jay Leno

"The Iraqi terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. Warm up the virgins. ... His successor is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer and if anything happens to that guy? Russell Crowe." --David Letterman

"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they chose him, an al Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore has a movie about global warming. It's called An Inconvenient Truth. It's doing surprisingly well at the box office. Even though it's only playing on like 80 screens, it actually broke the 'Top Ten' list. I guess when you have charisma like Al Gore has, people flock to you" --Jimmy Kimmel

"In a recent interview, Al Gore's wife, Tipper, said she would support her husband if he decided to run for president again. And she said, 'There's no way I'm sitting through his movie.'" --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

Submitted by Sr. Wink, Younkers, NY.

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The checks of reparations for slavery arrived in the mail today ... Download Video

Submitted by Al, Seattle, WA.

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When it's OK to spank your kid ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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July 12th Humor Page