Humor Selections for January 30th, 2006

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .."

He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Submitted by Gary, Emmitsburg, Pa.

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These people Vote ...
  • Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution!
  • While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"
  • I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
  • My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"
  • My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount
  • I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned
  • I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
  • While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.

Now you know who elects the politicians !

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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21st Century Sayings
  • The big spin-off from today's technology is apprehension
  • Some people are neatly divided between 'human' and 'being'
  • A poor tale oft told is this year's commercial break
  • Mediocrity is fine if you're prepared to excel at it.
  • We might decide where we are going, but we can never know what is in store
  • All equipment has two functions: To serve, and be serviced.
  • The more we waste time the more it wastes us.
  • Procrastination is one of the true pleasures of the overworked.
  • Being a woman is only a small part of being a person
  • Postponing all unpleasant things is fine if done without breaks
  • If only quiz shows created an audience of questioners
  • One rotten apple makes all today's harvest unconstitutional
  • We are nothing but a whole collection of private experiences
  • In the country of the mad, sanity is the first causality
  • I am the complete professional - while no one is looking.
  • It takes at least two optimists to lift up one confirmed pessimist
  • There's nothing like being tired to have to stay awake
  • If you can succeed at success you will fail at failure
  • The love of God is easily supplanted by the love of money
  • Love is never passive. It is always kinetic
  • No one is perfect, but some of us are more perfect than others
  • When all else has failed, a little talent is good for one's amusement
  • Our government is only as good as we are induced to believe
  • The present is us continually catching up with the future.
  • In a cross section of life on earth, we'd find it mostly going on.
  • The silver lining of today's clouds is plastic
  • Hurry is the curse of the talking class and the balm of the thoughtless
  • Blood may be thicker than water, but it's a lot thinner than money
  • The love of money may be wrong, but greed has incentive
  • The future does not get less complicated, it only asks more questions
  • The easier way always presents itself after the job is done
  • Success is the best way society has of staying in business
  • Snobbishness is just a thin veneer for ignorance
  • Prettier Packages Protect Poorer Products
  • Most of us use our quota of genius by aged one.
  • Never be caught with your expression down
  • Canute was a genius, Midas a conglomerate.
  • The science of destruction is like nature: No sentiment
  • Rather let cakes burn than inspiration perish
  • Force bends and breaks; tolerance and understanding rectifies
  • Some people's idea of keeping fit is to exercise their stupidity
  • Never employ someone who has already reached their level of incompetence
  • The ability to do must be preceded by the ability to think
  • There is no such thing as a dynamic ritual
  • Never have so many kept so few in luxury
  • I'd tread the straight and narrow, but the gates are closed
  • It is only others who ever become irrational
  • The middle class is the filling in society's sandwich, between the upper crust and the crumbs

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Age vs Youth  Download Video

Submitted by Lynne, Emmitsburg, Md.

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