Humor Selections for January 20, 2006

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Donald Rumsfeld was giving the president  his daily briefing. 

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims, "that's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally,  the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the Happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Submitted by Cassie, Littlestown, Pa.

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Actual Headlines:
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
  • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
  • War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!]
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
  • Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
  • Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that sign right?

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Bungee Jump.....Watch the Water closely ... Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Only in Middle School ...

Submitted by Amy, Hingham, Mass.

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Jan 18th Humor Page