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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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A guy goes to a proctologist ... ... and says "Doc, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable down below. Would you take a look?"
He does. "Incredible!" He exclaims. "There's a $20 note lodged there." He eases it out with some forceps, and immediately a $10 note appears. "This is amazing", he says. "What do you want me to do?"
"Yeah, well take it out, please, doc, would you?"
He does, and notes continue to appear one after the other, all of which he removes. Finally there are no more.
"Ah, Thanks, doc, I'm feeling much more comfortable now. Out of interest, just how much was there all together?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "Exactly $1990."
"Ah," replies the guy. That explains it...... (wait for it) "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Blonde's Year in Review:
- January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
- February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
- March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
- April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
- May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
- June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
- July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
- August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
- September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
- October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
- November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
- December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Jan 9th Humor Page
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