Humor Selections for February 1st, 2006

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How to Interpret Employment Ads
  • "Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
  • "Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
  • "Casual Work Atmosphere" -We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
  • "Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
  • "Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
  • "Must have an Eye for Detail" -We have no quality control.
  • "Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" -You will need to replace three people who just left.
  • "Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
  • "Requires Team Leadership Skills" -You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
  • "Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

Submitted by Rick, Baton Rouge, La.

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Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day ...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer ... See Answer

In Praise of Humor
  • Humor makes the mind go round.
  • A joke a day keeps the therapist at bay.
  • Laughing with your enemy makes for peace.
  • Laughing at your enemy makes for war.
  • Start off each day with a laugh.
  • The devil doesn't do humor.
  • You can always teach an old dog a new joke.
  • Humor makes time happy.
  • Never laugh at another's misfortunes. They may return the disfavor.
  • A false laugh betrays a false soul.
  • Lovers love a laugh.
  • The big picture is best framed by good humor.
  • Beware the person who does not smile. They would have you as unhappy as themselves.
  • Believing you are superior means you do not know what makes the other person laugh.
  • There's many a laugh twixt the lip and the quip.
  • Everyone is 99.9% identical. Laugh gloriously about that instead of killing over the 0.1%

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley ...

... "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctors certificate for your employer"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure. He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
  4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
  5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better. And, as  always ... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a night.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Jan 30th Humor Page