Humor Selections for Dec 4th, 2006

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10 Sure Fire Ways To get on Santa's bad side
  • Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants
  • Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
  • Build an army of snowmen on the roof, holding signs - 'Bah Humbug' and 'Bite me Santa.'
  • Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
  • While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
  • Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, 'Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.'
  • Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
  • While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
  • Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, 'Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!' and fire a gun.
  • Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, 'This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.'

Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.

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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone ...

... in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh
  • Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
  • When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
  • When you approach the egg case,you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
  • The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 27

The Democrats, it's less than two weeks since they took power and already they're fighting among themselves. ... Say what you want about the Republican Congress, those guys were always on the same page." --Bill Maher

"According to the Washington Times, there's a revolt brewing among Republicans in the House. People are, of course, shocked by this. There are still Republicans in the House?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush on Monday met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq and cautioned afterward that while he's open to new ideas, he'd like them to come only from people who agree with him." --Amy Poehler

"A recent study shows that Osama bin Laden wields a surprisingly low amount of influence over Islamic ideology. They don't listen to him. I don't want to say Osama's losing power, but you want to know what his al Qaeda code name is now? Donald Rumsfeld." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, trying to gain international support in Iraq ... met with leaders in Vietnam. ... Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush now in his eight day trip to China. His approval rating is 31%. Not good. To give you an idea of how unpopular President Bush is, on Air Force One now, he can't even get the window seat." --Jay Leno

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren ...

... would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"

Submitter by Joe, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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