Humor Selections for Dec 18th, 2006


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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Christmas Tree Trivia
  • Christmas trees have been sold commercially in the United States since about 1850.
  • In 1979, the National Christmas Tree was not lighted except for the top ornament. This was done in honor of the American hostages in Iran.
  • Between 1887-1933 a fishing schooner called the Christmas Ship would tie up at the Clark Street bridge and sell spruce trees from Michigan to Chicagoans.
  • The tallest living Christmas tree is believed to be the 122-foot, 91-year-old Douglas fir in the town of Woodinville, Washington.
  • The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree tradition began in 1933. Franklin Pierce, the 14th president, brought the Christmas tree tradition to the White House.
  • In 1923, President Calvin Coolidge started the National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony now held every year on the White House lawn.
  • Since 1966, the National Christmas Tree Association has given a Christmas tree to the President and first family.
  • Most Christmas trees are cut weeks before they get to a retail outlet.
  • In 1912, the first community Christmas tree in the United States was erected in New York City.
  • Christmas trees generally take 6-8 years to mature.
  • Christmas trees are grown in all 50 states including Hawaii and Alaska.
  • 100,000 people are employed in the Christmas tree industry.
  • 98 percent of all Christmas trees are grown on farms.
  • More than 1,000,000 acres of land have been planted with Christmas trees.
  • 77 million Christmas trees are planted each year.
  • On average, over 2,000 Christmas trees are planted per acre.
  • You should never burn your Christmas tree in the fireplace. It can contribute to creosote buildup.
  • Other types of trees such as cherry and hawthorns were used as Christmas trees in the past.
  • Thomas Edison's assistants came up with the idea of electric lights for Christmas trees.
  • In 1963, the National Christmas Tree was not lit until December 22nd because of a national 30-day period of mourning following the assassination of President Kennedy.
  • Teddy Roosevelt banned the Christmas tree from the White House for environmental reasons.
  • In the first week, a tree in your home will consume as much as a quart of water per day. Trees Archive Photos
  • Tinsel was once banned by the government. Tinsel contained lead at one time, now it's made of plastic.
  • In 1984, the National Christmas Tree was lit on December 13th with temperatures in the 70s, making it one of the warmest tree lightings in history.
  • 34 to 36 million Christmas trees are produced each year and 95 percent are shipped or sold directly from Christmas tree farms.
  • California, Oregon, Michigan, Washington, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and North Carolina are the top Christmas tree producing states.
  • The best selling trees are Scotch Pine, Douglas Fir, Fraser Fir, Balsam Fir, and White Pine.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.
 

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Metaphors - high school varieties

  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides compressed by a Thigh Master.
  • He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now he goes around the country speaking at high schools about the danger of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  • She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
  • She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  • He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  • The revelation that his marriage had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're holiday and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7.00 pm instead of 7.30.
  • Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  • The hailstones leapt from pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • Even in his last years Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  • The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might work.
  • The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  • "Oh, Jason, take me!", she panted, her breasts heaving like a uni student on a $1-a-beer night.
  • He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a mine or something.
  • The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  • He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  • She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
  • She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 legs missing.
  • It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Reflections on man's best friend
  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
  • A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
  • Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber
  • If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise - Unknown
  • Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
  • Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
  • If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero...

... when a blond got off from work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.
 

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Why People Move South - Take 1

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Dec 15 Humor Page