Humor Selections for Dec 15th, 2006

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The 2007 Darwin Award winners ...
  • A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The Dr. quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants ...
  • Two Idiot of 2006 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
  • A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
  • A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
  • A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Sunday's sermon was titled "Forgive your enemies'"

Towards the end of the service the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% of the congregation held up their hands.

He repeated the question, and this time everyone responded except for one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she responded sweetly.

"Mrs Jones, that's very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," was the reply.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?

This sweetheart of an old lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, a wicked grin on her face, "I outlived the bitches!"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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Computer fixated husband ...

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house ...

Not a piper was stirring--they all were quite soused;
Their hose were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Saint Knicker-less soon would be there.

The drummers were nestled all snug in their beds,
Midst visions of drumsticks and new Premier heads.
And Ma in balmoral and I in my tam,
Had just settled down for an impromptu jam.

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair, my music a-scatter.
Away to the window I tore in a hurry.
Yelling to Ma, "Keep piping! Don't worry!"

She struck in her drones and had a wee blow,
As I gazed at the moonlight on new-fallen snow.
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a sleigh full of pipers and drummers and beer.

With a little old driver who spoke with such force,
That I knew right away--he's the PM, of course!
More rapid than eagles his pipers they came--
He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Angus! Now, Seamus! Now, Gordon and Harry--
On, Duncan! On Ian! On, Willie and Larry.
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now pipe away! Pipe away! Pipe away all!"

Almost as one, and without any gripes,
They blew up and struck in eight sets of pipes.
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The chanters, the drum rolls, with nary a goof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney Knicker-less came with a bound;
With shoes newly shined, and shirt neatly pressed;
He was, I could see, regimentally dressed.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
I could see that he'd already been into the sherry.
I smiled at him now and became somewhat bolder,
As a new set of Naills he flung on his shoulder.

The blowstick he held tight in his teeth,
The bass drone caught at and knocked off our wreath.
He had a broad face, was fairly well built,
And, damn! this guy looked good in a kilt!

A wink of his eye, a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I'd be best off in bed;
He spoke not a word, by the light of the moon,
But struck in his pipes and played me a chune.

He played a 2/4, a 6/8, and a reel,
A strathspey, a hornpipe, a jig--with great zeal.
After he'd played all these chunes just for me,
He stopped and put gifts out under the tree--

Pipes by McCallum, and pipes made by Kron,
All guaranteed to blow steady tone;
Reeds and chanters, a new water trap,
Ash plugs and tuners, and all of that---stuff.

Then laying a finger aside of his nose,
He gave the pipes a couple more blows;
He looked at the chimney he'd come down before,
Said, "The hell with this--I'll go out the door!"

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of Scotch thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, e'er he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all--and a Piping Hot night!"

by Martha Shideler from Flagstaff, AZ

Submitted by David, Edinburgh, Scotland

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State Employees ... Download Video

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dec 11 Humor Page