Humor Selections for August 16th, 2006

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A guy was watching a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs ... These are all real sites. . . .

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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School Answering Machine

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

  • To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
  • To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
  • To complain about what we do - Press 3
  • To swear at staff members - Press 4
  • To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child - Pres s 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
  • To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
  • To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
  • To complain about school lunches - Press 0
  • If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you can read this - thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 17

"As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything." --Jay Leno

"Meanwhile, as Pentagon officials continue working on their plan to have Iraq hug it out, foreign entanglements have left our army stretched to the breaking point. And last week it was disclosed that poor equipment and insufficient training have left two-thirds of both the Army and National Guard's combat force unready for combat. To put that in context: For every G.I. Joe our army has, we also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush travelled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly." --Conan O'Brien

"Remember America, we started with an armed conflict. It's called the Revolutionary War, not the Revolutionary let's all sit down and talk about our feelings. So I'm surprised to hear the military can't find enough new recruits even after increasing the maximum recruitment age to 41. I don't get it. Why aren't ageing baby boomers jumping at the chance for an exciting second career? They've even lowered the physical requirement. For a 17 year-old soldier the requirements are 47 sit-ups and 35 push-ups but for a 41 year-old it's a tough but fair 29 sit-ups and 24 push-ups. And eventually when they start recruiting retirees, say by March 2007, elderly troops will qualify with two stand-ups, five thumbs-ups, and a 2-minute complaint about the salad dressing selection at Bennigans." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today President Bush made a speech about immigration at the border between Texas and Mexico. There was an awkward moment when an illegal immigrant interrupted Bush and said can you give me directions to Dallas?" --Conan O'Brien

"The New York Times reported this story: on a trip to Estonia Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. No, no, see that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy. When Hillary asked him if he wanted to go out for a cold one, Senator McCain said no thanks, I'm married." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Cars you don't see very often

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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August 9th Humor Page