George Carlin's new rules for
- New rule: stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25
years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing
- New rule: don't eat anything that's served to
you out a window unless, you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey,
it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
- New rule: stop saying that teenage boys who
have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I
have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
- New rule: if you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of
- New rule: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
- New rule: there's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a
soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let
it melt. that's your flavored water.
- New rule: stop messing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa
figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, target, you just solved the social security crisis.
- New rule: the more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-low
and one Nutrasweet," ooooohhhhhh, you're a huge asshole!
- New rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
look up from sliding my card, entering my pin number, pressing
"enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me
up is standing there eating my almond joy.
- New rule: just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above
the crack of your ass. and it translates to "beef with broccoli." the
last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to god you
weren't pregnant. you're not spiritual. You're just high.
- New rule: competitive eating isn't a sport.
It's one of the seven deadly sins. Espn recently televised the US open
of competitive eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. they're already doing that. It's called "the Howard Stern
- New rule: I don't need a bigger mega m&m. If
I'm extra hungry for m&ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
- New rule: if you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the
other screens. let's remember that the reason something was a
television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough
to be a movie.
- New rule: no more gift registries. You know,
it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having
other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting.
- New rule: and this one is long overdue: no
more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like i just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands!
- New rule: when I ask how old your toddler is,
I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just
fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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of Humorous Sayings, My Little
I turned on the computer as usual
this morning, only to see 'Start up file not found. Reboot.'
I did, same message. Nothing I could do except take
it to my friendly computer guru, but as he does not work on Sundays I
was faced with a real problem. What to do with the day?
I asked my wife. "Mope," was her sarcastic
reply. We'd been down that path before, so I stood and thought. Why not
curry favour with her by doing all those things that had been glibly
promised, at least those from this year? Right. Mow the lawns, weed the
flowerbeds, trim the shrubs, sweep the paths, tidy the garage, fix the
bookshelves, fix cupboard. With an idiot smile I did, and five hours
later was able to sit and mope over the lack of computer. But I got a
cuddle and a kiss, real reward for effort.
The following morning the doorbell announced a
visitor: An estate agent who was going to appraise the house, as we had
in mind to sell and move to the country, out of noisy suburbia.
"Beautifully maintained," he commented, "excellent presentation," and he
named a figure 30,000 more than the previous agent.
We decided to let him put it on the market, with
his figure as reserve.
Great. Except now I've got to find another way
to make that much money in that much time again. It's better than
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
You Know You're
Church Is A Redneck Church...
- If the finance committee refuses to provide
funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members
knows how to play one.
- If people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed
the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was
used to catch 'em.
- When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba
to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
- If opening day of deer season is recognized
as an official church holiday.
- If a member of the church requests to be
buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of."
- If the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
- When in a congregation of 500 members, there
are only seven last names in the church directory.
- If Baptism is referred to as "branding".
- If high notes on the organ set the dogs on
the floor to howling.
- If people think "rapture" is what you get
when you lIft something too heavy.
- If the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized
- If the choir robes were donated by (and
embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
- If the collection plates are really hub caps
from a '56 Chevy.
- If instead of a bell, you are called to
service by a duck call.
- If the minister and his wIfe drive matching
- If the communion wine is Boone's Farm
- If "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting
- If the final words of the benediction are,
"Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"
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Redneck Jokes, My Little
Humans existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history
were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was
invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and
that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were
sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close
to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing
animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the
nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This
was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men
eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen'.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and
the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime
added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat
raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note:
most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red
meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes,
Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who
own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
"govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is
why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tame and
created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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My Cubical ... Download
Submitted by Jay,
Long Island, NY.
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Sunset at the North Pole
A scene you will probably never get to
see, so take a moment and enjoy. This is the sunset at the North Pole
with the moon at its closest point. And, you also see the sun below the
moon. An amazing photo and not one easily duplicated.
Submitted by Jim
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August 9th Humor Page