Humor Selections for August 11th, 2006

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George Carlin's new rules for 2006
  • New rule: stop giving me that pop-up ad for There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
  • New rule: don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless, you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
  • New rule: stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
  • New rule: if you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
  • New rule: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
  • New rule: there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. that's your flavored water.
  • New rule: stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, target, you just solved the social security crisis.
  • New rule: the more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-low and one Nutrasweet," ooooohhhhhh, you're a huge asshole!
  • New rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my pin number, pressing "enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my almond joy.
  • New rule: just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. and it translates to "beef with broccoli." the last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to god you weren't pregnant. you're not spiritual. You're just high.
  • New rule: competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. Espn recently televised the US open of competitive eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. they're already doing that. It's called "the Howard Stern show."
  • New rule: I don't need a bigger mega m&m. If I'm extra hungry for m&ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
  • New rule: if you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
  • New rule: no more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
  • New rule: and this one is long overdue: no more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like i just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands!
  • New rule: when I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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I turned on the computer as usual this morning, only to see 'Start up file not found. Reboot.'

I did, same message. Nothing I could do except take it to my friendly computer guru, but as he does not work on Sundays I was faced with a real problem. What to do with the day?

I asked my wife. "Mope," was her sarcastic reply. We'd been down that path before, so I stood and thought. Why not curry favour with her by doing all those things that had been glibly promised, at least those from this year? Right. Mow the lawns, weed the flowerbeds, trim the shrubs, sweep the paths, tidy the garage, fix the bookshelves, fix cupboard. With an idiot smile I did, and five hours later was able to sit and mope over the lack of computer. But I got a cuddle and a kiss, real reward for effort.

The following morning the doorbell announced a visitor: An estate agent who was going to appraise the house, as we had in mind to sell and move to the country, out of noisy suburbia. "Beautifully maintained," he commented, "excellent presentation," and he named a figure 30,000 more than the previous agent.

We decided to let him put it on the market, with his figure as reserve.

Great. Except now I've got to find another way to make that much money in that much time again. It's better than writing.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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You Know You're Church Is A Redneck Church...
  • If the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
  • If people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
  • When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
  • If opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
  • If a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
  • If the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
  • When in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
  • If Baptism is referred to as "branding".
  • If high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
  • If people think "rapture" is what you get when you lIft something too heavy.
  • If the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
  • If the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
  • If the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
  • If instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
  • If the minister and his wIfe drive matching pickup trucks.
  • If the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".
  • If "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
  • If the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"

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Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen'.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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My Cubical ...   Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Sunset at the North Pole

A scene you will probably never get to see, so take a moment and enjoy. This is the sunset at the North Pole with the moon at its closest point. And, you also see the sun below the moon. An amazing photo and not one easily duplicated.

Submitted by Jim

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August 9th Humor Page